Emotional Stew

This week has had a million excuses to drink (not that I ever used to need more than one lame one).

1. Friday was the 20th anniversary of Karl’s death.
2. Friday night, I drove the eldest up to Detroit, where she met with her father to spend the summer in Philly.
3. Thursday, the hostile communication mentioned in the last post was resolved in a goodbye.
4. Today, I spoke to someone for the first time in almost 10 years. It was lovely.
5. Throughout all, the spouse has been creatively fired up to 11.
6. Friday afternoon, a friendship that had been disconnected was reconnected.
7. I have to write a lot of stuff at work and am feeling increasingly burned out.
8. I’m on my own creative streak but scared I won’t be able to do anything with it.
9. Wednesday, I had a filling replaced and I’m still sore.

Processing all of this is pretty confusing, kind of like eating about 5 different cuisines in one meal (which is kind of what I just did). I’ve had too much, and even though a lot of it has been good, it’s still just a lot.

Without a big bottle of wine to fall into, my instinct is to retreat from all this into a frenzy of activity. I’m trying not to do that, trying to be lazy and just do one thing at a time, but that doesn’t come naturally. July is always a lousy month for me, mainly because of the anniversary. It is at least a beautiful day. Hell, I really have nothing to complain about.

The Eldest’s departure is unquestionably the biggest fish to fry. I am elated that she’s getting away from this town and a bunch of relationships that, while not necessarily harmful, aren’t doing all that much for her. She’s at a point where she needs to be out of the house, and my major apprehension is that she may come back too soon, before her independence can really kick in; it’s clearly something she’s unable to achieve with me around. I get that she basically has to reject home in order to cut the cord; I don’t think all kids are this way, but she’s one who is.

My expectations are probably way too high, and so are my fears. I have to just be still and shut up. Peace is in focus, not distraction. It’s there for the asking. I just have to want it enough to shut off all the noise.

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