And having started down the public road, it feels like it would be either cheating, coy, or both to suddenly clam up about the whole thing.
But I shan’t pretend it’s not tricky.
When DP told me he had talked about Us onstage, one of the first things that he said was, “I honored you.” That odd word – have you used it lately unless you either took some kind of vow or talked about someone dead? – has suddenly become essential to measuring anything I write on the subject of our relationship.
Blogs are, at least in part, about publicizing the personal, so of course I’ve walked these streets before. But I do always try to be careful. This and this are about as naked as I dare (briefly, Karl was my first husband, but is not my daughter’s father, as people often assume). So while I’ve been working on a separate post for a few days, I’m still not comfortable with it. Part of that is due to our therapist acting like a therapist and being gone in August. Ironically enough, she returns on the day of our 15th wedding anniversary. We’ll be out of town. We’re fully aware it might be our last, so we’re trying to spend it memorably. (If it’s not our last, it may be even more memorable.) After that, the work kicks into higher gear.
Until things get to the new normal (the old normal is not an option), Perrin and I are on good terms. We’re surprisingly relaxed around each other; in previous truces, we’ve been in separate corners, eying the other warily. In fact, I think we may be finally honoring each other. Emotionally, I feel sad sometimes but I also feel extremely peaceful. It’s a particular and necessary type of mourning; some things are definitely dying. I don’t know what exactly they are as of yet. But they will come into focus. Somehow, so far at least, I’m being blessed with some patience.
Thanks to all who have read and in many cases commented. I appreciate all of the kind thoughts. To the best of my abilities and instincts, I’ll keep you posted.